Jane Writes Back

2012-01-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Devin,

The ducks have slowly been lining up. Little things here and there have all been working together to end the Devin chapter in my life. No longer is it conflicting to see you go. My perspective on you has changed (and continues to change every day) and some events over the past few months have helped create more and more distance.

The best part is: I didn't have to move to a different state. I didn't have to leave my family. And you're the one moving farther away from me.

Sincerely,

Miss Jane

2012-01-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Devin,

It's amazing how long you can stand in a harbor waiting for a cruise ship to take off on a beautiful trip to scenic and memorable destinations. All along, you know the ship is having mechanical and other problems that are delaying its departure indefinitely, but that doesn't stop you from waiting just in case the ship gets fixed and sails.

Eventually you accept the fact that the ship's not going anywhere. You notice other cruise ships around you that are working and are coming in and out of the harbor. Some don't appear to be as shiny and attractive as the first. Some are bigger. Some are smaller. Some are going to destinations you've always dreamed about and some are headed to locations you'd never want to go near.

I'm at a point where I have been looking at some of the other ships--talking to the captain and others who have been on board--to see if its a ship I want to get on, if its going somewhere I want to go, and if the captain will allow me.

It could have been a fun trip, Devin, had we been able to just get out of the harbor.

Sincerely,

Jane

Dear Devin

2011-10-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

I hit a new low the other night. You, your new friend Bridger, and I were all hanging out. Suddenly it occurred to me that you have waaaaay more fun with Bridger than with me. So why are we even hanging out? Is it just so you can use me for a group project we're working on? I totally felt like a third wheel the whole night. I know I was acting withdrawn and thats probably why you quit talking to me. But you and Bridger have your lives so intertwined at this point. All you talk about are things in your worlds and its about things I cant relate to.

The new low I realized I hit is that I have no self-esteem left. I've been hanging out for so long with someone who breaks me down rather than builds me up. Someone who cares more about Bridger when Bridger is not acting 100% rather than Jane. I know I've allowed myself to get to this point. But maybe I need a little break for a few days to kind of let the emotions die down.

I've been getting so angry and feeling very impatient toward everyone the past while. My sister was asking me how my self-esteem is lately and thats when I realized I dont have any. All I can see are my flaw and what I'm doing wrong in life. So it makes sense that I'm lashing out at others. If I hate myself so much then naturally thats how I'll see and treat others. If I'm in the habit of seeing my flaws and weaknesses, that habit will carry over into those around me.

I guess when I'm feeling stronger I can handle the fact that you like Bridger (or anyone else) better than me and enjoy their presence more. When I'm feeling stronger I can handle the fact that all you do is tease and make fun of me. When I'm stronger, I don't have this warped perception of things.

But I'm not strong right now and maybe I just need a break.

--Jane

Dear Devin

2011-10-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

I tell you my feelings about our whatever-the-hell-we-are friendship pretty frequently now. You know how I feel about our "friendship." But you're really good at providing me reasons why my feelings are uncalled for. Maybe you should try validating my feelings for once.

Maybe you shouldn't be so selfish. Quit stringing me along when you know you're not interested in me. It's selfish of you to keep me around as a close friend when you know I have feelings for you.

I am trying to get over you. It helps that I am starting to see your true colors and they are not all pretty. But it doesn't help that I spend so much time with you. I have no willpower to say no.

Someday I'm going to leave. And when I do, you won't know you're the reason. You'll think its because I'm changing jobs. You'll be so confused as to why I'm leaving. "Jane," you might say, "why are you leaving? You have your family and friends and hobbies here. You are happy here. " You'll think about all the hobbies we are involved in together and wonder, "Why would she want to leave when we do so much together?"

I'll tell you that its for a job. Obviously it's a job because I won't just move to move and you know that. But the reason I'll be looking for jobs in different towns and different states is to get away from you and if you're smart enough to push me, you'll ask why I'm really leaving. I don't expect you'll ever understand why I'm leaving. It's because I've tried explaining to you why I'm disgruntled several times before and you either don't agree or don't understand.

I am so tired of always hanging out with you and fighting my feelings to want to be with you. I'm tired of being jealous of you hanging out with other girls. I shouldn't have to feel that way because I should be dating a man who is interested in me and me only. I'm tired of hanging out with a guy who obviously really enjoys spending time with me but for whatever reason, I'm not good enough for him to want to date. It's going to make me go crazy.

I need to get away so I can get over you. So I can look at another man and see reasons why I can date him rather than just think of all the ways he isn't like you. And if I'm physically spending less time with you, maybe I'll meet the right guy for me and you'll meet the right girl for you.

I've tried explaining this to you several times but you haven't understood before. You don't see it my way. Which is, whatever. It's whatever. Since talking to you about this hasn't really fixed the problem, I'm left with two options: tell you never to talk to me again, or move. Moving would be more acceptable because it is an acceptable way to change the status of our friendship. In other words, I don't believe in burning bridges, so I won't do that.

So Devin, someday I'm going to leave. I'm going to distance myself from you. I have to go far enough away that you won't come find me. If I only went one or two towns away, it would be easy for you to hang out with me now and then.

I know you won't come get me if I go far away. Our story isn't like in the movies where I leave and you come chase me. I know I don't mean that much to you. I know you know I'm disposable--that you can (and basically have) found other girls who function like I do in your life. You've just never had any reason to let them replace me entirely. You say I am a close friend of yours but I don't know why you think that. I don't really see how you benefit from me being in your life. I don't see why you like having me around as a friend. Which means I don't see why you'd have an incentive to fight for me if I leave.

You might give a half-assed attempt at trying to get me to stay. You'll sound kinda sad that I'm leaving. Not because you want to date me. It's because you want me around to be involved in all your hobbies with you. But you wont really succeed at convincing me to stay. I'm going to be strong when I leave. It's going to be really hard for me but I'm confident it wont be the hardest thing I've ever done. If you do act sad that I'm leaving, I'll just tell myself its only for selfish reasons and that you'll quit missing me after like, ten minutes.

But...the last time I left I thought you'd leave me alone and you didn't. I thought you'd move on. And you kind of did. You found new girls to occupy your time with. But you never entirely replaced me. You kept counting down the days until I'd be back. You knew I'd be back. The difference this time is I'm going farther away and I wont move back.

I've been losing my mind trying to be a good friend to you while keeping my feelings on the back burner. It's like living a double life because I have fun when I'm with you but I cant let myself have so much fun as to develop stronger feelings for you.

I do value our friendship a lot. You are the friend I always talk to. Do hobbies with. Tell racist jokes to. We have so many inside jokes together. And you know me better than I know myself. You understand me in ways I didn't know were possible. Even though we don't see eye-to-eye on this, we do see the world similarly on so many things. I've let you see sides of me that most others don't get to experience. Obviously I care a lot about our friendship or else I'd just tell you to go away and never talk to you again. But I don't want to do that so I'm trying to find the more kinder way reduce the involvement we have in each others lives.

I'm sorry Devin. I didn't want it to play out this way.

Sincerely,

Jane

Dear Jane

2011-10-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Jane,

We need to talk. You're usually so busy pointing fingers at boys that you don't stop to think about the fact that you bring this on yourself. You choose to hang out with the kinds of guys that you do. Maybe you should believe in yourself and know that you deserve better. You don't need to spend your time with these kind of dirtbags.

You need to accept the fact that Devin has other girls he hangs out with now. Stop being jealous. It's actually to your benefit that he has other girls to occupy his time and attention on. Stop caring about the fact that he doesn't always text you back or that he ditches you to hang out with other girls. It's a blessing in disguise.

You'd benefit from not telling him everything. I know it's hard because everything reminds you of him. And he's always been the one you tell everything to. But you need to stop doing that. You have it in you to be a very independent person, so start acting like it. It's going to be hard at first. But each step will get easier. Just be more reserved around him.

Anyway Jane...I think you're awesome. You'll find a man some day who will be everything you want and more. You just have to have the mindset that this whole Devin ordeal is temporary. Don't get so focused on the here and the now. Don't get down on yourself because of what you don't have. Have joy and gratitude for what you do have and hope for what you will have. You know you'll find a great guy for you some day.

Hang in there Jane.

Sincerely,

Jane

Dear Devin

2011-08-14T05:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin, 14 August 2011

We had a talk a few weeks ago. I asked you to explain why I appear to be more important to you than most of the other women in your life, yet I am not important enough to be your girlfriend. I asked you to explain why we talk nearly every day. Why we spend so much time together. Yet I know it's not going anywhere. There is this disconnect because I feel like on some weird level, you need me in your life and you enjoy spending time with me.

But at the same time, you have no feelings for me. Anyway so I confronted you about all of this and you gave a couple of explanations. The first one was vague and didn't make any sense. You just said you were weird and didn't know what you wanted. Please...But the second reason was you confirmed my fears that I was just seen as one of the guys to you. I know that you recently had a close guy friend of yours get married and I suspected I was just his replacement.

It has been a few weeks since we had that conversation. It's helped a lot to know where I stand with you. But yet you tell me I'm one of your closer friends and at the same time you're treating me like less of one than before we had this talk. Thanks for that.

I am just hoping that with the knowledge you've given me, I'll slowly grow in strength. Eventually I'll be empowered enough to be indifferent toward you.

If only you'd just go away. If only someone just like you came along--someone who actually felt like they needed me in their life forever. Like I was their number one priority.

--Jane

Dear Online Dating Boy

2011-08-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Online Dating Boy, 14 Aug 2011

I am glad you found success in dating. Someone needs to succeed at this. You said your conversation with her was just so easy right from the start. That was like my first date with Chris. Our first date was so fun because we felt like we already knew each other and could easily laugh and talk (similar to what you mentioned in your email.)

I should have known this was coming. You always read my emails within hours of me sending them but then it would take you a few days to write back each time. And in the last email, you didn't ask me any get-to-know-you questions (which you did in previous emails). When someone is interested in you, they will get to know you. You stopped. I should have known.

The hard thing about dating is that you have to put your feelings out there in an attempt at success. I dont know of many people who succeeded at the dating game by NOT putting themselves out there in some way. But when you put yourself out there with your feelings and it doesn't pan out, its easy to feel like that little two-year-old who falls down and wants to retreat in hurt.

I also struggle with the fact that I have to constantly compete with so many amazing women. There's always someone younger, funnier, nicer, prettier, smarter, more spiritual, more prepared to be moms, more ambitious, etc.

Whenever I'm feeling down, Devin is usually the one who makes me feel better. But as of lately, I cant even get him to text me back half the time. Things are awkward there. So I just want to tell Devin all of this and have him say things that will make me feel better. But either he wont respond, or he wont say something to make me feel better.

I just want to not have feelings anymore. You would think the older I get, and the more rejection I face, the easier it would get. I wouldn't say it is getting any easier. It just becomes a more and more familiar feeling. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I want to not invest hope in new dating prospects early on. I dont want to get excited after three or four encounters. But it seems like that strategy won't work in dating.

The thing I appreciate about these letters is I can write with the assumption that I don't have to explain why I'm writing or why I'm feeling the way I am. Everything I don't say is already understood. All the background of a relationship. All the conversations. If I wrote in my journal I would have to explain a lot more things.

--Jane

Dear Devin

2011-07-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

For the longest time, I've felt like the reason you aren't attracted to me is because you weren't trying hard enough (or trying at all). Then I realized, you shouldn't have to try to like me. So I'm going to quit thinking that way.

I don't really understand how you can spend so much time with me but feel nothing. I guess it's just the fact that we have so many similar hobbies and you like doing them with me rather than all on your own. Why don't you find yourself a nice girlfriend to do all your hobbies with?

We are so complementary; it's just crazy. Some day I'll find someone who functions that same way but who also has feelings for me.

It still terrifies me how well you know me. I'm not very aware of how well others know me or what they see and dont see. But I'm strangely aware of how well you do know me. One reason it scares me is because I don't know what you think about me. Do you accept my weird quirks and annoying traits? Do you want to strangle me at times? Another reason is that it makes me become more dependent on you because you understand me better than most people who know me. Someone who knows and understands me so well is just going to disappear one of these days to love another woman and thats hard for me to accept. I feel like someone who knows me as well as you know me should be sticking around for a long, long time. While we're on the subject, it bothers me that you know me so well and yet I feel like there is so much I don't know about you because you are so reserved.

I keep wishing I could just feel indifferent toward you. I guess it would just be a mind game unlike any I've ever played before and I'll have to work harder at it. The irony...work harder at being indifferent.

Dear Devin

2011-07-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

A lot of girls hold out, hoping that a guy will change. And guys hope girls wont change. I keep hoping you will change--that one day you will wake up and decide "holy cow, I like Jane." and then you'll want to date me.

But it seems I could be waiting for a long time before that happens. Maybe eternity. In the meantime I keep telling myself I should move on and I have plenty of reasons to support that move. But then when it comes down to it, I think, no, devin is going to change his mind and I have to be ready when he does. My new quest for now is to just be able to meet new guys.

Sincerely,

Jane

2011-06-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

Tonight for the first time I realized you straight up terrify me for two reasons I can think of.

1. I am afraid you'll reject me.

2. It scares the crap out of me how you can see right through me. You see things that not a lot of people dont. I feel like with most people I can control how much they know about me. But with you, its like you're able to pick up on things that I'm not aware you're picking up on. I like to think not a lot of people know me that well, so it scares me when you know me so well but you aren't someone I can ultimately lean on.

I want to run away from you because you scare me. But its not like I'm running away from a good thing. I'm not that girl who is scared to let her walls down for a nice guy who is doing everything he can to earn my trust. Its more like, I'm terrified that my walls are coming down for someone who is just going to peace out after a few months with no intention of dating me.

I guess you like spending time with me but thats not good enough for you. Which is understandable.

Dear Devin

2011-06-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

So I was on my way to work thinking about you. We've been talking more lately and even hung out recently. Naturally you'd be occupying my thoughts more. Which I don't like.

I am sure there will be another letter coming to you soon, just you wait. But for now I'll keep it short and simple.

I realize that it is hard for me to be mad at you. And very easy for me to be forgiving toward you. I keep looking for ways in which to be mad at you so I can get over you, but every excuse I come up with, I find myself not actually able to believe it.

I am, however, bugged that you can act like you're interested in me when I know you're not really. But then I know you dont realize you do it..you're just ignorant. And then I feel like I can't be mad.

Sometimes I just wish you'd go away. But I dont wanna make you be the one to go. I try to avoid you but that never works. I don't know what to do anymore.

--Jane

Dear Devin (getting kinda old)

2011-06-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

It's been good having some distance from you. But you don't always keep your distance. Sometimes I don't do a good job of maintaining the distance either. And the times that we do talk more are almost always harder for me. I want to make excuses for you. I want to find hidden reasons or signs for why you actually could be interested in me. It doesn't help when you make me laugh or say the kinds of things I want to hear. I keep hoping for this fairytale ending when one day you admit you do like me and want to spend your life with me. The fact that you just won't go away on your own is my biggest supporting evidence of this idea.

I read somewhere that the irony in two people just hanging out in this non-committal fashion is that the friendship often spans a long length of time and experiences a level of commitment longer than just the "in the moment" short-term-ness of hanging out. And we've been friends for a few years now. Its like "no, sorry, i dont want to date you," yet i've been in your life longer than most of the girls you've dated in the past two or three years.

I guess for some people, its easier to be "just friends" than others. And some get more attached to people than others. and quicker.

There are guy friends I have that are just friends in my eyes. I don't have the same kind of struggle to be just friends with them as I do with you. I think part of it is because they have certain traits that I could never tolerate. But with you, there are things I don't like, but nothing that overwhelmingly drives me nuts or that i couldn't live with. I need to find something about you that I could never live with.

Sincerely,

Jane

Committal Friends

2011-06-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Committal friends,

Let me describe a situation to you that I'm finding myself in frequently and quite honestly, it's frustrating me.

There is a type of dater out there and I will call them "the committal friend" cause about all they'll commit to is friendship. They 'hang out' with you all the time (just one on one). They talk to you at least once a day. They'll admit they like spending time with you.

But are you dating?

No!

How do you know this? Because when you talk to them or hang out with them, often times they talk to you about the latest boy/girl they are pursuing (and its not you). I admit both girls and guys do this but I'm addressing this letter to the guys in my life who do this.

You are one of three of these committal friends I have right now.

Committal friend 1. We half attempted to date and it didnt work out and we're just better off friends. And that's fine. He had up more walls than I did so when our "dating" ended, I was more hurt than he was. We didn't talk much for a few months and then for another few months our friendship was still distant and awkward. We've been able to get back to the point where we can hang out and not have feelings for each other and not feel awkward. But let me add, that was after many stupid fights we had on my part.

Committal friend #2 and I have a common hobby that we like to participate in together. We slowly moved toward hanging out and talking more. I confronted this friend one day about our friend status and his avoidance of the topic resulted in me concluding we'll always just be friends. It took about two and a half years to do this. After I finally came to accept that we'll never date, I backed off from talking to you so much. Sorry Friend. I really like talking to you and hanging out with you. You're super funny and nonjudgmental. So it pains me just a little to have to create some distance.

Committal friend #3 is kinda new to the scene compared to the others. We went on a date once. Then we hung out a quite a few times. We still talk probably once or twice a week and hang out every now and then. You confuse me cause I can't really tell if you're interested in me or not. But I guess it's safe to assume you're not. But when you invite me over to watch a movie I start to think maybe you are. But then when all you do is talk about other girls you're pursuing, reality reminds me what's really going on.

I've been through this for a long time. Committal Friend #1 never bothered me by this friendship status. But between the other two, I've been dealing with this pretty consistently for two and a half years. So I've had some time to reflect on it. It's frustrating because I really like you and wish we were dating. Its lame because so many times, I'm fooled by your ulterior motives to hang out. I want to believe you want to get out of the friend zone and date me. So every time we hang out I have hope in it. Dude, this is damaging to me. Maybe you'll counter with "well you should just know that we're just friends and not to read further into it" but I'll say, "yeah well, you know you shouldn't be hanging out at this stage in your life and it obviously is inconsiderate to my feelings if you just wanna hang out with me knowing I'm hopeful that it'll be a date.

I've thought about avoiding you. I've thought about burning bridges. I've thought about deliberately making things super awkward. I've not followed through or succeeded in any of these endeavors. A friend of mine said it best: "I like you and I dislike you. I want to push you off a cliff and then rush to the bottom to catch you." That describes it perfectly why I've failed to do anything about our committal friendship.

It's easier for me to just accept our status and be disgruntled than to kick you to the curb because I'm more comfortable doing it that way. I don't like ultimatums and I feel like thats what it would come down to (Either you date me or go away... and thats an unfortunate way to end a friendship) I dont burn bridges.

About the only reason I can conclude you like to hang out with me is because 1. I'm fun/enjoyable/convenient to be around (but not dateable) and 2. you need someone to keep you company. I can understand that. I mean if you're gonna be alone on a Saturday night and you know I'm there, you might as well invite me to come chill. Heck, you think you're doing me a favor because you're relieving me of my lonely night.

So, it came to me one day. Okay, so if thats what they're using me for, then fine. Here is how I will view our hanging out or talking: you are a service project to me now.

Love,

Jane

Dear Eric

2011-05-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Eric,

I've wondered why I wasn't good enough for you. We seemed so compatible and had a lot of fun together. We spent almost every weekend together for a month. Granted a few of those times we were at parties you invited me to, so it wasn't like a date...but still.

It seems like you were interested one day and then the next a switch went off in your head and I was instantly just another one of your many friends who are girls. My first thoughts were, why was he seemingly interested one minute and not the next? Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong?

I've thought, maybe if I was more amazing, it would make you snap out of your scared state. "He just hasn't met a good enough girl yet. When he does, he'll quit being afraid." But then I realized, no matter how amazing the girl is, that wont inspire you to overcome your fears. You have to choose to get over it. Not wait till the perfect girl comes along. There is no perfect girl on this planet. You'll probably continue to go out with the cream of the crop girls, blind to how good you actually have it. You'll think you just haven't met a good enough girl and to keep looking. You think the right one will inspire you to want to get married.

I think you've probably met several girls by now who are compatible with you, whom you could have fun with and start a family with. But you yourself admitted you're scared to get married. I can understand that fear. I've had it for awhile.

But at some point you need to replace that fear with faith that things will work out and that God will watch over you. Not all marriages are destined to fail.

I hate to break it to you, but I think you've already been dating the cream of the crop girls. I've met a lot of your other girls you've been taking out on dates (only because you invite us all to the same parties and while you're off flirting with one girl, the rest of us talk to each other cause we dont know anyone besides you). I have to wonder, "man, all these girls are amazing. what doesn't he see in them?"

So until you realize its you who has to change your perspective, not continue with this "grass is always greener" syndrome, enjoy passing up many amazing women.

--Jane

Dear Devin

2011-05-19T15:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Devin,

Since I've moved home, I haven't seen you. Makes sense since you're living back at college and I'm in my hometown. I'm curious if we'll hang out at all while I'm home. We haven't been talking nearly as much as when I lived away at school. Our highest amount of talking was several times in one day. Now we talk about once or twice a week.

I think its been good for me to have some distance. It's helped me realize we're not as compatible as I thought. I mean don't get me wrong--I love spending time with you. I am never bored when we hang out. I never get tired of being around you. We have so many little jokes together and mostly I love how we play argue with each other. I like how you can both dish it and receive it. I like how you don't take me seriously and laugh at me when I'm stressing out about something. But at the same time, I can see how that would really hurt me if I'm talking to you about something very personal to me or very serious. I don't always have a thick skin.

It seems like you've moved on with your life since I've been away. I know you tend to text me a lot unless you're doing stuff and I know you're getting more involved with one of your favorite hobbies. And you have a new group of friends you hang out with since you moved to a different section of town. So I suspect that in a few months time, when I move back to school, you'll be plenty occupied with your new life that you wont hang out with me. Lets be honest...the only reason you and I hung out as much as we did is cause you didn't have anyone else to spend time with.

See you in the Fall!

--Jane

Dear Devin

2011-05-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin,

I poured my heart out to you in my last letter (which I actually sent to you). In it I asked for some space. Well, I thought when I said I need some space, you'd give me at least a month. Not so! You gave me like, two days and then expected I'd just act like nothing happened. And you didn't even tell me what you think about all my confessions. The best case scenario would be for you to just tell me how you felt. But I know you're not brave like that, so I figured if you read it and avoided me for a month, that meant you wouldn't want to date. But the fact that you only gave me two days? Does that mean maybe you actually are interested in me too? So I confronted you about the fact that you were avoiding the purple elephant in the room. You're indifferent. You don't know what you're supposed to say. Alright fine. The way you downplayed this whole thing shows a great lack of sensitivity for my feelings.

Don't you realize how hard/scary/intimidating it is to tell someone you like them? And then to have the person on the receiving end just act like it didn't happen makes it that much worse. You could have at least just said "hey thats cool you like me but I don't feel the same way. But lets keep being friends" and I would have been fine with that. I just wanted to know what you're thinking rather than having to continue to keep guessing. But you made me guess again with the way you handled it. Thanks a lot.

--Jane

Dear Devin

2011-05-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Devin, Mar 2011

My friends have been kinda jerk-ish to you lately because they see how I'm affected by you. They wish you’d date me rather than hang out with me all the time but be dating someone else.

I kinda really like you right now. I'll be honest--I've liked you since I first met you a few years ago. I kinda liked you when we first met. But you never really showed interest back so I moved on. Then we didn’t spend a lot of time around each other but we were still casual friends. Our friendship has gone through phases of us talking more times than others (mostly when you had a g/f we wouldn’t talk).

This past round of us hanging out a lot has exposed me to you a lot and the more I get to know you, the more I like you. But it’s kinda a problem given you’re dating someone else right now.

I was afraid if I told you, it’d ruin our friendship, which means a lot to me. But I can’t stand being around you because when I am, I get to know you better and I like you more. But I know its not mutual so its just a waste of emotion for me. I hate just being one of the guys to you *cue Taylor Swift* I want to be your special girl.

Many times over the past few months I’ve told my friends I’m not going to hang out with you anymore so I can get over you. But then time after time, we end up hanging out.

I’ve tried everything to resolve this on my end because I know it’s just my problem. Although I will say, I think you’re contributing to this problem by hanging out with someone so frequently that you have no intention of dating. I tried limiting how much I’d talk to you. Didn’t work. Drove me crazy. I considered avoiding you but since I couldn’t even master limiting, that obviously never happened. I’ve just been feeling like I need to tell you but I’ve been avoiding that—till now.

So what should I do about this Devin? Nothing I do is working. You drive me nuts when we hang out and talk. It drives me nuts when we don’t talk and I avoid you. I think if nothing is going to happen between the two of us, then I'll need some space to get over you and move on.

--Jane

Devin 15 Jan 11

2011-01-15T21:43:00.002-08:00

Dear Devin, 15 Jan 11

Today you did a pretty good job of hinting at the fact you have a date tonight. When he goes on dates every weekend and they’re not with you…he’s just not that into you. Lately we’ve been hanging out a lot. Like two or three times a week. We talk every day. But you don’t show any signs of actual interest and we don’t go on dates. We hang out.

Do you realize the danger in this? I have the potential (actually, in this case the reality) of forming an attachment to you but you don’t form one back. But you can justify hanging out because its not dating. Maybe for you it doesn’t perform the same function but for me it is. And it’s only leading to my destruction.

I’ve been noticing we hang out a lot lately and talk a lot. But there doesn’t appear to be any signs of actual interest and I just wanna clear that up. How should I be interpreting these behaviors? This is where you feel awkward and then give some sort of answer about how we’re just friends. Then I’ll say, “Well if that’s where it’s going to stay, then I don’t think we should be spending quite as much time together. We can still be snowboard buddies but its just not good use of either of our time if we’re spending so much time together with no real purpose.”

Take that.

-Jane

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Schmorgasboard of Letters

2011-01-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Bob, 11 Jan 2011

I saw you tonight after class but pretended not to see you. Then we managed to literally run into each other. At first it was accidental. Then you made it deliberate. Then I had to retaliate. Then we walked home together and talked. Will you stop that? You are flirty and you don’t even know it.

-Jane

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Dear Devin, 10 Jan 2011 part 2

Ok I take that back. You started talking to me tonight. Fine. Be that way. Way to make me admit that I was wrong and you were right. That cut me deep. Real deep. Anyway, got that out of my system.

I appreciate your humor. Wow, writing a letter that isn’t entirely hateful feels kinda weird. I’ll stop now.

You suck. Don’t avoid me like that again, got it?

-Jane

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Dear Devin, 10 Jan 2011

Where do I begin? Basically, we’ve talked every day since Christmas. That’s when I started keeping track anyway. It could have gone back longer than that. But yesterday you like, were acting all distant and didn’t respond to some of my texts in the afternoon. I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt that you forgot to text me back Sunday afternoon so I texted you Sunday night. And you were very distant Sunday night when I was texting you. So today I decided to hold back and not text you to see how long this is going to go.

You didn’t text me all day today. I figure you just wanna stay friends and noticed things were starting to go in a different direction than that. The easiest solution is to back off and avoid the person for a bit and hope they get the hint. I get that. It is understandable. Kinda selfish on your part but hey, we’ve all done it. I figure since I value our friendship enough, I’ll let you save face and not call you out on it. You can keep your dignity. There could be other explanations. But they suck compared to this one (you’re insecure and scared to text me). Or they seem very unlikely (your phone died all day or you lost it).

Part of me wants to have the correct perspective on why all of this is happening instead of just questioning it. Not only does the correct perspective help in swallowing the reality of the situation, but it also provides additional learning and growth for future scenarios. But the other part of me just doesn’t want to care. I don’t even want to think about it. But it seems I can’t really influence what thoughts pop into my head. They come when they want. The only control I have is whether or not to let them stay. And I am trying to dismiss thoughts as they come (except in the case of this letter).

-Jane

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Dear Chris 10 Jan 2011

I am so glad you didn’t contact me over Christmas break. I think I’d be happy if I never heard from you again.

Douchebag.

-Jane

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Dear Bob, 10 Jan 2011

I was telling my bishop the other week that life is like a puzzle. In the end the picture will be complete and all the pieces will fit where they best fit. But sometimes in the process of putting the puzzle together, you try and make two pieces go together that just aren’t supposed to. They may look very similar. They might look like they go together. But then later you realize there was a piece that it went better with. You gotta quit forcing the wrong pieces together. I think this is what was the case with you. You were super great and very similar to the type of guy I should be with. But I didn’t see that there is a better piece for me somewhere else and same goes for you. I can’t really be mad at you for that. So, thanks for the good time that one time and stay awesome!

-Jane

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Dear Chris 15 Dec 2010

So, I was thinking. I’m starting to mentally prepare for the fact that you might want to hang out with me again over Christmas break. I’ve decided if you text me, this is what I will say to you.

First off, why would I want to hang out with you if you’re just going to flirt with me with no intentions of getting back together? I mean, yeah you’re fun and attractive. But there are plenty of guys who have all the qualities you have (and more) and will actually mean it when they flirt with me. They will actually like me and treat me better than that.

It’s fine that you weren’t interested in me as much as I thought. But if you’re not interested, please do me a favor and step it up. Quit stringing me along.

Jane

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Dear USPS Man, 9 Dec 2010

You came into my office again! When you walked in I said, “Back already?” and you said yes. I said, “I know why you’re here. You just want another sucker” and you denied it, saying you had gum. But then you saw the Andes mint and couldn’t resist. I called you out on it, showing you really were here for the candy. Then you said “or its so I can see your smile.”

I’m sorry! I denied it. I was like “oh yeah whatever.” But secretly I liked it. I’m glad you felt brave enough to say something like that. Maybe we’ll keep having little flirty interactions for the next 5 months and then you’ll finally decide to ask me out. Guess we’ll see. It’s my goal to find out what your name is the next time you come into the office. I really wish I knew when you were coming in so I could actually wear makeup and look presentable.

Jane

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Dear USPS Delivery Man, 8 Dec 10

You come into my office probably once every two weeks delivering to us items that require delivery confirmation. I always feel like an idiot trying to sign that weird electronic signature device cause my signature looks worse than a two year olds signature. Anyway, don’t judge me.

What I was really writing you about is the fact that I wish I could get to know you better, deliveryman. You come in all the time. Today we had a brief interaction over the candy jar. I’d like to know your story. It’s too bad you’re probably not gutsy enough to ask out a girl you hardly know for the sake of just getting to know each other. I’ll just continue dreaming, hoping you will.

Thanks for all you do! I appreciate you coming all the way to the fourth floor to deliver seemingly unimportant packages. Enjoy the Halloween sucker!

Jane

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Dear Bob, 6 Dec 10

I had a lot of fun on my date with you on Saturday. You were very funny and cute. When I talked to you at a church activity, I just couldn’t get over how good looking you are. But you’re also funny and nice and spiritual!

I hope you’ll consider asking me out on a date. Disregard the fact that I’ve been on a few dates with your cousin whom you are very close with.

Sincerely,

Jane

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Dear Chris, 6 Dec 10

I was thinking about you last night. I don’t know why. But this is what I want to say to you. If we end up hanging out over Christmas break, you have a few things to consider. When we broke up, you wanted to leave things very open-ended and wanted me to keep a door open for you for in the future. But I also recognize that when we were dating, you weren’t as interested in me as I was in you. And that’s okay if you didn’t really like me that much. But we need to tie up this loose end that was created when we broke up.

If we hang out a lot over Christmas and you’re flirty with me like you were over thanksgiving, I’m going to ask you to make some sort of Decision because it’s taxing on me if we’re very flirty with each other but aren’t going to get back together. I realize it may not be as cut and dry as do you want to be friends or get back together, but I’d really like it if we could make it one or the other and quit with the in between stuff.

I didn’t do such a good job of avoiding you the rest of break. One night I contacted you to hang out and you were busy. That was probably a good thing. The more I see you the more confused I get. Stay away. But then a couple of days later you texted me asking how school was going. You never do that. Stop being nice.

I know I can do better than you. But I’d give you the chance to prove me wrong.

Jane

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Dear Chris, 23 Nov 2010

Last night I went to your house. We spent an hour catching up with how school, work and life are all going. You told me about your future plans for the next year. You have very ambitious goals including possibly moving out of state and traveling the world for volunteer service work. You’re real ambitious—I like that. You were basically communicating the fact that I don’t really fit into those plans, unfortunately. Maybe you didn’t deliberately mean that. Maybe you did.

You made a comment about how you were glad to see me over the break. You made it sound like the only reason you wanted to see me is cause you don’t know anyone else in town and I was a last resort. Nice one. I called you out on the fact we don’t talk much anymore and you said you don’t talk to anyone you don’t see regularly. Right. Do you really think I buy that one?

We spent time with your family. How often do “friends” of another gender come over hang with your family? We played a game. It reminded me of how much I miss and enjoy your family. I feel so comfortable with them. You kept showing me the humor I miss about you.

That night you were being so flirty towards me—more so than typical friends do. Earlier in the evening we were acting like casual friends. But later you were acting somewhat interested in me. Maybe it was because you are just comfortable around me and the flirty behavior wasn’t intentional. You said you wished I went to school where you are at and gave explanation why. Your reason didn’t indicate that you want to date me. It sounded more like you just wish more cool people lived there. Why were you being so incredibly flirtatious last night? But what is weird is that later in the night, you started acting like a casual friend again. It made me feel like the husband on the movie The Notebook where he is visiting his wife in the nursing home and for a brief moment she remembers who he is but then loses her memory again.

Even though you were being incredibly flirty (as was I, I’ll admit it) I’m glad I didn’t kiss you. There were probably opportunities hidden last night but I avoided them like the plague. I just don’t want to complicate things in that regard, especially if all we are is friends. But I sure wanted to. You looked so cute and we were having so much fun!

I know what your immediate future looks like. You’ll be traveling and living anywhere but near me. You didn’t want to do a long distance relationship before which suggests there’s no way you’ll go for it in the future when you’re farther than a few hours away. So why should I waste my time stirring up old emotions for you for nothing? So you can have someone to occupy your time with while you’re visiting our hometown?

Then there is the wonderful guy at school here. Should I give up an opportunity with a really great guy for a huge gamble like you? Obviously not. But, he doesn’t have your humor. We don’t enjoy our time together like you and I do. When we are together, even when the time and activities are unstructured, we still find ways to laugh and have fun.

I am debating whether or not I want to see you more over the break. It could really complicate things. You put the offer on the table in a casual way which suggests you’re either insecure about suggesting another play date or extremely indifferent. I know that for the rest of the break, I hold most of the control over how frequent we hang out, which is lame. You shouldn’t give me so much control. I think I’ll just attempt to avoid you.

Jane

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Dear Chris, 22 Nov 10

You and I will be hanging out tomorrow evening. I don’t know what your intentions are. Doesn’t matter. I’ll hang out with you either way. But…

Are we just hanging out as friends? I think this is most likely the case. You have all but ignored me for the past few months. We’ve had contact maybe once or twice a month since September. And you have the appearance of dating girls up there at school. You have probably moved on. At the time of break up, you couldn’t do a long distance relationship. You couldn’t guarantee we’d get back together in the future. You just said to keep a door open in case something would work out in the future. That wasn’t a very promising assurance. You admitted we weren’t on the same page with our feelings and that I liked you more than you liked me. So, my next step after tomorrow if this is the case: plan on not seeing you again in the future. Keep seeing the guy at my school who is showing interest in you and who is ten times better than you. What we’ll be doing tomorrow is just hanging out as friends. It’s possibly a real chance for closure. If you have any intentions of seeing me in the future but don’t know now or don’t communicate it now, you’ll just have to take a risk and hope that I’m single when you finally are ready.

But what if I hang out with you today thinking its closure but you intend to see me over Christmas? And what if by then I have a boyfriend? This is the only moment you can really intervene and have influence on my dating life. I realize it’s not my problem. If you feel no sense of urgency to snatch me up while I’m still available, that’s your problem. I can’t instill in you the need to date me. It’s either there or it isn’t.

Are we going on a date? No I don’t think so, but if we are, I’ll be confused. Next step: (if you wants to date) I’m going to need a firm guarantee tomorrow night that we’ll get back together after school is over. Neither of us can date other people while we’re away at school. We’ll just have to put our dating lives on hold. Good-bye wonderful boy at my school who is ten times better than you.

So Chris, tomorrow I will approach tomorrow like we’re just hanging out as friends. I’ll ask you about your dating life to be friendly and kinda curious. And if you ask me about mine, I’ll just tell you what’s going on with me and wonderful school boy.

If it leads to a discussion about dating, I will ask you to consider the following:

Do you have any intentions of dating me in the future? What’s going on? I need to know now because I’m on the brink of starting to date someone really spectacular. And I’ll just cut that off now if you want me to be single for you later (Christmas?) I told you I’d keep the door open for you in the future, but that door is closing. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Jane

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Dear Chris, 7 Aug 2010

I don’t know what you want from me. On the one hand I need to move on. On the other hand you want to keep in contact with me and you want me to keep the door open for you. What am I supposed to do? Both can’t happen for me right now. If I need to move on from you, I have to cut off contact for a bit and get to the point where I don’t think every interaction I have with you will influence whether or not we will get back together or not. I need to be not concerned with whether or not we get back together.

Maybe keeping in contact with me is your way of keeping me around as a second option or a backup plan. I don’t want to be a backup plan. I guess you really weren’t that interested in me, both while we were dating and after we broke up. While we were dating maybe you were just kinda stringing me along so you would have someone to occupy your time until you went back to School. Plus, everyone likes it when they have someone interested in them.

Sincerely,

Jane

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Dear Chris, 26 Jul 10

I wish I could change some of the things I said to you on sat night when we broke things off and decided not to do a long distance relationship.

First thing I’d change: you kept mentioning keeping the door open, and that maybe later we can get back together. I was being very resistant to that idea by saying, “Yeah but I just can’t think that way.” I didn’t mean I don’t want to date you again in the future; on the contrary I do. I just didn’t want to get hurt so I was putting on a front. I will keep the door open for you. I wish we could just put our relationship on pause while you’re away at school and then pick up later. I want to believe and know that we have a future together, or at least just a second chance under better circumstances.

Second thing I’d change: I would have encouraged you to stay home for a semester so we could date more instead of telling you school is top priority.

Third thing I’d change: I pointed out it seemed you were not willing to commit to a long distance relationship. Then we went through a lot of the obstacles and challenges we’d face. You gave some of your major concerns and I fed into those with agreement. What I would change is to say that we can make this work if we’re committed. You don’t need to feel like you have to shoulder the responsibility of always coming down to our hometown. The way I see it, you would only need to come down like once a month. Once a month I could come up there. And then maybe once in awhile we could meet halfway? I want you to know that I’m willing to make the sacrifices of seeing you long distance. I didn’t mean to come across sounding that way when we talked sat night.

We made a decision Sat night that we would end things and move on. I want so badly to believe we made the wrong decision that night. I hope after a little time apart that we each come to the conclusion that we do want to be together and that we’ll somehow make it work. I hope we get a second chance to make the right decision and get back together.

However, I recognize the fact that maybe we already did make the right decision and I’m just being stubborn to accept it. I really hope that I will begin to be open-minded about what is best. I sure hope it involves getting back together. I am aware that right now I’m not very open-minded because I only want to be together and I can’t think of another option. Maybe someday when I can honestly consider more options, then I’ll be open-minded to know what’s best.

We just have to get back together. On sat night you wondered why all of this had to happen if it wasn’t going to work out. I think we will get back together and things will work out. I feel like the time we had together needed to happen so that we keep each other in mind as an option for the future when we are done with school and ready to make dating a higher priority.

Its crazy how I liked you so much given we didn’t date that long. We hit it off real well and just got very close very fast.

On Sat night I mentioned to you that maybe after a few weeks apart, you might change your mind and want to get back together and you acknowledged it as a possibility and said we should talk again in a few weeks to see where we are. I’m fairly certain I will still feel the same in a few weeks that I do right now. I won’t be over you and I’ll still want to be with you.

This will be a very very hard week and I’m going to try to give you the space you need. I’m really hoping you’ll miss me and that we’ll get back together in a few weeks. That’s my hope.

I made a long list of the things I like about you. I won’t go into that now. However, what I don’t like about you is

You don’t usually tell me what you’re thinking. You were feeling like a long distance relationship wasn’t going to work but you didn’t tell me. I had to extract it from you. You were hesitant to let yourself like me and put effort into the long distance relationship once I moved back to school and you didn’t tell me that’s what you were doing and why.
You don’t like to plan ahead. It drives me nuts how you don’t know what you’re doing until an hour or two beforehand.
You wouldn’t give me a whole lot of assurance that you liked me. But maybe that was just the unique circumstance of you being reserved cause a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. You didn’t want to make the end even harder than it had to be. Sometimes you would but you weren’t as consistent in it as I would have liked.
You’re not very decisive and you explained to me why, but I want a man who will take charge and be the man. Wear the pants. Make decisions. I’ll let you know if I don’t like your decision. If it’s something we can’t change after you make the Decision, ask for my input before Deciding.

What would have to change:

You’d have to pursue me more. I didn’t like how I was mostly pursuing you the last time around.
You have to communicate more. Tell me what you’re thinking.
Give me more assurance.
Be more decisive

Either you meant what you were saying when we broke up about how you really like me and hope for a future and it’s just not plausible right now, OR you are happy we broke up and are ready to move on. You have no real intention of getting back with me later and you were just saying all of that stuff to be nice and ease the pain of the break up. And you’re excited to date around at school. If that is the case, you really had me fooled Chris.

Sincerely,

Jane

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Introduction

2011-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Jane. I write letters to people when I am frustrated. These letters say things I would never actually say to the person the letters are addressed to. Think of them as unsent letters that have been published.

Most often, these letters are written to ex boyfriends and other men involved in my life, both past and present. Names and specific facts have been changed to protect the innocent (or guilty in my opinion) and keep anonymity. Although some details, such as dates, have been changed, the overall ideas are based on actual events.

I have been working on these letters for quite some time, so the first post is going to have more than one letter. But, starting today, each letter will have its own post.

Thanks for reading!

-Jane